My blogger friend Kathy at Lake Superior Spirit gently nudged me today. I’m glad that she did because to be truthful I’ve been in a bit of a funk since my last blog post in June. I decided to just, write. Babble, ramble, meander, whatever.
It’s Saturday night, it’s nine o’clock and it’s raining. I know that because I can hear the pelting drops on the roof and deck. When I look out the window I see a shiny glare off the paved street. I’m eating, again, a slice of brown rice bread toasted with peanut butter, honey and cinnamon. Just forty-five minutes ago I finished a plate of leftover tilapia, mashed potatoes, steamed kale, broccoli, beans and carrots. I’m not sure why I’m eating again, especially since my stomach isn’t feeling the best. That’s part of where my last blog post left off. Stomach pain. Since then, I’ve had to be watchful with what I’m eating to avoid the extreme reaction I had in June. Today, however, I threw caution to the wind and consumed a combination of foods that haven’t gone well together. In addition I took my weekly dosage of Methotrexate (for Rheumatoid disease) which is always good for acid build up and nausea.
I’ve had to be diligent about taking the Methotrexate in addition to the Enbrel injections I receive because the Rheumatoid disease is progressing and my Rheumatologist is adamant about slapping it down with prescription drugs. Unfortunately, I feel I’m caught in a bind because not only has the RA disease invaded every joint in my body, it is also affecting my lungs. So, I take the meds. I’ve tried the natural way and the homeopathic way. A Naturopathic Doctor is part of my health team. None of the remedies and supplements I’ve tried come close to even the limited relief I get from prescription drugs. I wish this wasn’t so. I wish I could find a natural remedy that works. I wish I could find healing. The prescription drugs make my hair fall out, causes stomach problems and makes my body feel cold all the time. The RA disease itself has caused damage to numerous joints rendering them immovable.
But still, life goes on. Places to go, people to help, people to meet, bookkeeping work to do, health research to do, spiritual and personal growth work to do. To be truthful, sometimes it’s a struggle for me, which brings me to the funk I’ve been in for the last two and a half months.
I looked up the definition of the word “funk” and found it to mean a dejected mood and a state of fear. I’d say that both of these terms would define the way I’ve felt for the last few months. Downhearted and fearful. It’s no wonder I haven’t had the motivation to write a blog post.
Okay, now that I’ve acknowledged the dark side, I have to also acknowledge the brighter side because I have to admit that I’ve been doing some great learning over the past few months. What’s even more exciting is that I can see the growth I’ve accomplished. I’m really big on self-reflection. I like to be aware of the how’s and why’s of my thoughts and behaviors. I like to observe my thoughts and behaviors and I like to scrutinze them. I truly believe that if I have a problem with someone or something, I have to look deep inside to see where the problem comes from. This can take some time and it’s not always easy. Fortunately, I’ve found several mentors who I learn from.
I began the year with a goal to make it my best year ever. Even with my setbacks, I believe I’ve accomplished my goal. I do have to clarify something though. I think my real “best year ever” was the year my son was born. My next best year ever would be this year. Why? Because I’ve done somethings that I really wanted to do. Other years, I found myself doing things that others wanted me to do or things that I had to do but really didn’t want to do. I never really had a handle on what I wanted. My passions eluded me until this year.
The year began with a burst of energy inspired with the help of Wendy Pauls (see First Quarter Results Are In!). The momentum and the experiences were exciting. I want to say that I’d like the energy of those months to return, but I have to live in the NOW and accept what IS to keep moving forward, especially if I’m ever going to embody that “grandeur” vision I have for myself (see Comtemplating Life).
Wendy shared a quote that resonated with me. Here it is; “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'”