Learning about Love: Day 84 – A Hole in my Heart

An empty bench by the river.

A twinge of loneliness came to visit today. An empty feeling in the pit of my stomach emerged and I knew it wasn’t hunger; at least, not the hungry for food kind.

The lyrics of a song came to mind: “Another Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody.”

I sighed thinking how lovely it would be to have a special someone in my life. Someone to go on outings with. Someone to have fun with. Someone with whom I really clicked.

When it comes to men, I haven’t had much luck.

Relationships have always been a challenge for me, as was choosing a good man. I had good men interested in me. I just wasn’t interested in them.

I took on the challenges; the ones that needed my help.

When it came to relationships, I lost myself.

In hindsight, I think I lost myself in relationships just like I lost myself in cigarettes and alcohol. All of these things served as a diversion. Although I wasn’t consciously aware of this at the time.

Cigarettes, alcohol and needy relationships distracted me from the hole in my heart. A hole that began very early in life. A hole that was passed down. A hole that didn’t belong to me, but that I took on anyway because I was too young to know it wasn’t mine.

My story is not a new one. It happens all the time in society. Everywhere one looks, one can see someone putting their crap on someone else.

We do it unconsciously and we do it habitually.

In learning about love, one can wake up to recognize unconscious behavior, beliefs and attitudes.

I learned that the hole in my heart is the love and compassion I didn’t have for myself. It was the missing lesson in early life that begged for attention until I was ready to hear.

I’m listening now.

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12 thoughts on “Learning about Love: Day 84 – A Hole in my Heart

  1. That hole in our heart…oh, yes, Marianne, I know about the hole in our heart. And how we try to fill it with a hundred things. I wonder if the hole in the heart is meant to be filled? Or if it’s meant to be surrendered to… Just pondering. And listening deeply along with you. (This was a lovely heart-felt post.)

  2. I am glad you are tired of digging the hole deeper and now beginning to repair it until it brings you back to the surface. It is nice to be prepared to give good men a chance that deserve your heart. The truth is at the time you didn’t deserve theirs and you know it. So you went after people you thought would keep you busy, but now you realized that it’s not about stay busy as much as its about sharing the load. Repair that hole then give someone your whole….loved the post. You may find some of my post interesting; read and comment. Tell me what you think!!!!!

  3. Sending you a huge cyber-hug after reading this Marianne. “I learned that the hole in my heart is the love and compassion I didn’t have for myself…” but you are listening now, so all the pieces of your life will fall into place. xxx

  4. Oh, Marianne…. this made me cry. I’m learning how to listen too, and just coming to a realization that is somewhat similar although I was lucky enough to have gone with the good man who was interested in me. Poor man had no idea what he was getting into with me, and what seemed like a black hole that no one could fill. Big hugs to you, and may we both find a way to fill a hole that was passed down. ♥♥♥

  5. stopping by to see if you’ve posted anything new, Marianne. And thinking that perhaps the Process opens us to our hole in our heart. And perhaps gives us the ability to stay open to it. love…

  6. Thank you to all for your wonderful comments and likes. I’m a little quiet these days. Needing lots of time to process and focus on healing activities. Thanks so much for visiting. Much love to all. I’ll see you soon. 🙂

  7. Everything I want to say here is getting all jumbled up and I can’t get it out. Thanks for posting this. I’ve had trouble getting into the right relationships, too. This last one really threw me for a loop. I fear I’ve lost myself irretrievably and damaged the chance for the right relationship all at the same time. I’m trying to be patient and kind with myself right now. I know I can’t expect to heal overnight.

    • Hi Cathie. Thank you for visiting and honoring my blog with this award.I don’t like to accept awards though and want you to know I appreciate the gesture very much. 🙂

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