A twinge of loneliness came to visit today. An empty feeling in the pit of my stomach emerged and I knew it wasn’t hunger; at least, not the hungry for food kind.
The lyrics of a song came to mind: “Another Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody.”
I sighed thinking how lovely it would be to have a special someone in my life. Someone to go on outings with. Someone to have fun with. Someone with whom I really clicked.
When it comes to men, I haven’t had much luck.
Relationships have always been a challenge for me, as was choosing a good man. I had good men interested in me. I just wasn’t interested in them.
I took on the challenges; the ones that needed my help.
When it came to relationships, I lost myself.
In hindsight, I think I lost myself in relationships just like I lost myself in cigarettes and alcohol. All of these things served as a diversion. Although I wasn’t consciously aware of this at the time.
Cigarettes, alcohol and needy relationships distracted me from the hole in my heart. A hole that began very early in life. A hole that was passed down. A hole that didn’t belong to me, but that I took on anyway because I was too young to know it wasn’t mine.
My story is not a new one. It happens all the time in society. Everywhere one looks, one can see someone putting their crap on someone else.
We do it unconsciously and we do it habitually.
In learning about love, one can wake up to recognize unconscious behavior, beliefs and attitudes.
I learned that the hole in my heart is the love and compassion I didn’t have for myself. It was the missing lesson in early life that begged for attention until I was ready to hear.
I’m listening now.